A letter to my breasts…

Dear breasts,

It is with both joy & sadness that I bid you farewell. For 47 years, 6 months, 6 days, you have been quite attached.

I admit I have been somewhat ambivalent; you are neither too big nor small; still have the elasticity perking up for your age; no abnormal discharges from the nips…and the nips yes glorious pleasure they have provided…shsshh you know to what I refer.

Alas though we are parting company. You don’t belong to this body; never did. The universe has joined forces bringing that fact to the forefront with Cancer being its tool.

Hopefully contained within your flesh, you will rid me of the Cancer…I bid you a fond farewell…

…it is a Bitter Sweet moment.

Yours with love

18 June 2014

Life is a learning…


…damn straight I’m going to Narnia! Where is that bleedin wardrobe?!

…yes the reality of reading the surgeon’s letter to my doctor, plus the radiologist and pathology report…I’m a sponge for knowledge…the details were not lost on me…

…I had a wobble (as in tears flowing briefly…likely too briefly in hindsight)…reading the second to last sentence in the surgeon’s letter.

Sure it’s stage 0 which is fantastic…the DCIT grade is intermediate…it’s local…but extensive…they don’t actually know how extensive…

I’m scared…awoke after 2 hrs sleep the anxiety in my throat…surprisingly I did fall back to sleep after 1/2 hr.

Awoke again 3 hrs later thinking “what a weird dream!”…the detail of which has “went”…again back to sleep of sorts…restless…

Today I have struggled…just want to know when I am seeing the surgeon and the surgery date. Sure it’s the Universe working for me on the one hand…the moobs will come off & on public…the cancer scares me…fuck I still have very clear memories of Mum & Dad coming home from the hospital where my brother was (he was 14, in 1974 ), I was with older siblings watching MASH. My memory is I asked about my brother…Dad says in a “flat” tone “His leg is going to be amputated”, I ask what that means (I’m 7 yrs old). Dads says “cut off” and I run from the room to mine. How vivid the memories remain…so yeah I’m scared…

Where’s Narnia…

…Heaven Sent….


…Heaven Sent…

Before that day I saw you
I never looked with true love’s eyes, 
But angels are revealing
And shine through all disguise.

Before that day I heard you
I never thought true love would call, 
But angels are enthralling
And so you made me fall.

Before that day I touched you
I never knew how true love felt, 
But angels are embracing
And so my heart did melt.

Before that day I kissed you
I never tasted true love’s pull, 
But angels are all giving
And let you drink your full.

Before that day I met you
I never knew what true love meant, 
But angels are for loving
And you are heaven sent.

~ (2009) Charles Wiles

2014 – following my passions…finding my purpose…


In less than 3 weeks I begin a new journey…living in a kombi with Zara & Jaspa; learning a new topic with the Cert in Sustainability level 5 – food forest design & build and traveling the road.

I’ll still be active in my business as well; it’s an important period of rebuilding in so many facets of my life.

My first appointment with the transgender clinic in 2 weeks…many changes afoot with much to do between now and then…I’ll admit to having moments of feeling overwhelmed…breathe…1…2…3…

Feeling a little lonely too…more so of late…ah for the right reasons & that too will pass. Trick is not to dwell on the past…not to think to much of the future…just be. Take each day, hell each moment as it comes.

I find it has become increasingly important for me to take time just for me…whether it be a walk, a coffee break or just sitting quietly on my back step for a short while…to centre oneself.

I have a tendency to think too much…not a healthy trait overall…but recognising that within yourself is 80% of the battle…easier for me now to say “STOP”.

My passions are many…I’m at a stage of my life where in some respects I am making it more complicated and in others quite simplified (at least in my head it’s simplified!). For the moment, my passions lie in learning and doing with respect to Food Forests; how to design and build with ideally getting some practical experience along the way via woofing on properties that have commenced such a program on their land.

Living on the road no doubt will have its complications; not least getting two 10 year old kittehs settled into such a lifestyle! It is to me though the simplification of my life. Travelling around my country, meeting new people, experiencing many new adventures.

Learning my keyboard too is a passion; one I’ve neglected of late…not for much longer though…

Complications…well transitioning overlays all of this. Academically I know what is ahead…somewhat different though is experiencing the process and physical changes…the mental changes are already in full flow. I have no doubts about it…I know this is right…it’s me becoming me externally…and allowing myself to be me within…letting those layers of expectations fall away…the layers of guilt and fear based attitudes of what is black and white.

Gender is fluid. There is no black and white…shades of grey abound. Sexuality then flows from that determination…be it gay, straight, bi, asexual…it is amusing though to think as being a straight male…but heck that is what I am…now to “appear” like that is the end game. It does throw up all sorts of doubts though as to the community you belong…before I even came out as lesbian…I always felt more at ease within the gay community…now I’m not sure where I fit…shit there is so much prejudice within that community which I do struggle with given all that has been fought for mainstream…still people are people no matter their gender and/or sexual orientation (let alone race or religion!). Disappointing in many respects that whilst so much has been gained there are factions within that undermine all the good work done.

As to my purpose…the most important is to be happy. To be grateful each and every day for what is and what may be. Other than that I do not know. I do believe wholeheartedly though that will be enough.

Light and love.

Onetangi Beach, Waiheke Island


Onetangi Beach or “weeping sands” for me is a place I come to listen, feel…my peace.

Back in the 1800s it was the site of much bloodshed as Hongi Heke & his tribe killed the last of the original Maoris that made this Island their home.

I find solace here. She embraces me…calms me. The clutter of my mind becomes still…so I can hear my inner voice…I can hear my guides…my guardian angels pass on what I already know to be true for me & the path I am on.

I will leave this island in the New Year…not until late March…I will always return…though I know in my heart not for good. My place is elsewhere…what I do know is the ocean will never be far away from wherever “home” is.

It’s an exiting journey ahead…

A year later…12 December 2013…


…a year ago today…if anyone had said…

1. You will sell your house privately
2. You will finally know who you are
3. You will embark on an adventure…


…and now I know it to be true.

Today I turned 47 earth years…frankly I truly do not feel an exact age…if I had to choose I would say 30s…not for any particular reason apart from fact that is how I feel…some realism I guess 😀

The picture above is my sanctuary…Onetangi beach on Waiheke Island…today Gaia put on a spesh day for me. Even Dolphins playing in the bay this afternoon..had a wonderful lunch with mum…and a wonderful evening with friends…hats off to my bestie, Jill ::mwahs sweets::

I have truly been humbled by the outpouring of love for me today…I have had a wonderful birthday,


Omdanne – Danish for “Transformation”


It is only in one’s own eyes that perspectives are created. To illustrate my perspective…this photo instantly spoke to me of a man not yet fully transformed physically. It may only be due to the angle in which the photograph was taken. However, for me it touched the very essence of ftm or transman.

Mentally and spiritually I have been awaken…cliche yes…very much so. Nevertheless, a truth. Recalling my name given to ME by ME when I was only about 4 opened up deeply buried memories. The name in itself was comforting…it “fitted” and I embraced it wholeheartedly. Five months later, it is legally my name (big smiles). Other memories took time to work through…nothing unpleasant…more the fact that being a boy (or rather behaving as one) was so “normal” until an event that occurred when I was around ten. I buried those feelings…thoughts under layer upon layer of FEARS.

I played devil’s advocate with myself…talked it out with a few trusted friends…I wanted to be a boy…or rather a man (by age definition only lol). The “knowing” feeling deep in my gut, my intuition, wasn’t going away…if anything the belief that it was the right path for me became stronger. Close friends knew first, then I finally got the courage to tell my sister, then my mum. It is a relief to know that they are supportive of my decision (even though they may not “get it”).

So…end of November my journey of transformation began…Doctor’s referral & baseline blood tests completed. The “wait” begins. Could be a good 3-4 months before I’ll get an appointment. The transition though is happening subtlety in other ways. My hair is short in a masculine style, my eyebrows are re shaping…I haven’t shaved in months. Slowly switching my wardrobe to more male / unisex. The cupboard is very bare! I’ll be living in tees, jeans, shirts & shorts for a few more months yet! Next is working out more. Running, cycling, weights & swimming.

It’s not only my very being that is changing…2014 brings new journeys…moving…travelling…living on the road…it is going to be a real adventure!