Category Archives: Depression
In the context of:
“to give a different position, course, or direction”.
It’s been a few weeks encompassing many changes…had my first appointment with the trans clinic…really positive experience. Psyche appointment a week tomorrow , then all going well start transitioning shortly thereafter.
Spent the last week packing, storing and finally cleaning…moved into Kombi…
The past couple of years has been an interesting journey…going from a modest income to barely making ends meet…the way in which you view money changes; you adapt as the alternative…well I’ve been there too.
Today I posted a fair few poems I’ve written in 2012 & a few more to come that I wrote last year…many were a personal exercise working through past events & emotions. I’ve grown considerably in the past 2.5 years…emotionally mature…I handle events / issues differently now to how I would / did back in the day. My heart though remains open…ready to love fearlessly again…I’d like to believe that I’ve learnt some important lessons along the way… that I won’t make the mistakes of the past or perhaps it would be better to describe it as “fools rush in”…pft who am I kidding!
It is definitely harder I think as you get older to meet people…and to meet I mean physically…that’s one lesson I have learnt…don’t throw myself in before that point…I’m no different in person as to how I believe I project myself online via here or FB or other social platforms.
I don’t know what other changes may be coming…I do however trust that the Universe is working for me…not against me.
Forward ever forward…
Beautiful French movie exploring pre teen dynamics of “gender”.
I could so relate to Mikael / Laure. Similar age as well until “discovered”. Then “Pete” was buried for decades.
It is a sense of enlightenment that I have now…so much of the past events…the depression…that feeling of something missing…I was missing…now I am back ::smiles::
Two more days before my appointment with the Gender clinic. Yes, I am excited. I have no idea what the process will be…well I know in the big picture sense…just not the micro details!
Waking up smiling…a sense of deep joy within regardless of other stresses…I cannot recall feeling like this ever!
My life is just starting…
“Part of the process of beginning anew, or changing directions is to know where you want to go. I know this sounds simplistic and easy, but this is one of the most difficult of choices to make with clarity.”
~ Byron Pulsifer, May Is Not Just For Flowers
Following the end of my last long term relationship, I was forced to face past demons…to get help for the black dog suffocating me…whilst the loss attached to a relationship ending was incredibly painful at the time, it also allowed me to finally be who I am.
I had been deeply lost…a shadow of who I am now. It has not been an easy road…some of that attributed to poor decisions as well as living with depression, where some days just getting out of bed was an achievement. In 2012 I was very unsettled. I didn’t know whether I wanted to stay in NZ or move to Aus. The lack of focus in my business cost me financially…I was disconnected as far as that goes but started to learn who I was spiritually. Many lessons followed…both of the heart as well as the head.
2013 I had slipped back into a depressive cycle…brought on by my financial position primarily. It was a horrible year as far as cash flow went…ultimately I sold my home before I was forced too…best decision ever & I am finally turning a corner on that front.
During those 2.5 years I met some amazing people…many whom remain close to my heart. A few more lessons finally learnt…and of course clarity in abundance; becoming “Pete” once again…I wake up smiling for each new day…still the usual stresses of work and dollars…overall though I have an inner peace quite unlike anything I have experienced. I have grown exponentially. I have met many beautiful souls & feel privileged to count them as friends…also the friendships made via FB…deep connections with so many even though we have not met in the flesh…humbling to be so blessed. My “life’s purpose” has become clearer & my more recent decisions have placed me in the ideal position to see it to fruition.
Watch this space!
Courage…no just finally being me.
Does it take “courage” to be your true self?
It depends…for some appear to be naturally in full flight of being themselves…perhaps in what society refers to as “normal”.
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
~ Nelson Mandela
Back in 2003, my “coming out” as lesbian was…well one day my colleagues and some friends thought I was “normal”, the next I wasn’t…and I didn’t care what people thought. I was still “me”. In my mind the only change was my partner was female…it was “natural, normal” to me…I had overcome the fear…likely more so the fact that NZ is often at the forefront of significant changes…and standing up, being heard.
Then I was with EY…I remember the day after I brought my girlfriend along to a work quiz night at a local pub…one of the partners said to me how brave I was…I guess it was in the sense that I didn’t give a shit what the “ole boys network” thought. Heck never had…
Remembering “Pete”, a name I hadn’t really thought about in decades really came to the forefront of my mind…it was like an “illumination” in my heart…sounded so right when I spoke it aloud to a friend…a random conversation and it was a lightning bolt…the clarity of suddenly knowing who I am…not Marianne…I am and have since I was around 4 (my earliest memory) been Pete. And no, not “Peter”.
Memories of pre pubescent years “playing” with a friend; the innocence of being a child…it all seem quite natural…I naturally felt I was a boy…my whole mindset was always on being a boy.
Later, I recalled being caught and the significance of that event. I closed off “Pete”…to feel…to be…well that was all wrong, a sin…and I tried being a girl…
It wasn’t so bad…I have been always nonplussed about my breasts…they are “there” but aren’t so big to bother me…B cup though so slightly more than a handful…parents asked if I was a lesbian when I was about 14/15…I adamantly said no. Ha…was terrified that being a lesbian meant being incredibly unhappy or acted more butch than guys…well that had been my exposure as it were to lesbians plus the stereotypes.
First boyfriend at 15…he was 19…when he French kissed me I said yuk. Nah didn’t see him much after that…then 16 I got the hang of this kissing lark…virginity gone at 17 1/2…with that guy 7.5 yrs though (some brief periods split)…then was pretty much checking out both sides…was I Bi I thought…still women did it more for me…in all aspects…then alas met the psycho…with him for 8…see it’s not true about Saggis…we can commit…perhaps not wisely in wonderful hindsight. Then my first girlfriend…4 yrs…my last was 4 yrs too…and on my own the past 2.5 years…some fleeting dalliances…
I am Pete…a man…I’d like to believe that I am a good man (I will always strive to be a better person) and will be outwardly as I my appearance becomes more masculine.
As I made sense of my memories…and it didn’t become clearer for some months later, the magnitude of the “shift” at times overwhelming that I consciously played devils advocate and also occupied my mind as best I could…fear was hurdle…even now, 2013…with all the great strides made in the gay/lesbian arena…there remains a gap even between LGBT, let alone the “mainstream”.
My first girlfriend’s sister is MtF (statistically the higher number than FtM) past 30 yrs now. To me she was a woman from day one. End of. I had never before then meet someone who had changed to be who they always were inside.
I digress…over the past 2.5 years I have worked on myself both mentally, physically and spiritually…really worked through past events that had left a scar deep in my core. I have been blessed to meet (both online and in person) beautiful souls whom I love and respect…they taught me much…helped me see the lessons I needed to learn…I know now that I needed to experience this so that my true self would be able to surface…over this period I also have experience a few depressive periods brought on by past events not healed and then later emotional and financial hardships…remembering me, Pete ( yeah I love my name), I awake with a smile…a feeling deep within of happiness, even though there still remains the stresses (work, money) I know deep down that I will get through this and will be all that I can be.
“Courage” is overcoming fear…so yeah I have in my life and now…I am once again having the courage to push past fears and just be.
My first appointment with the trans clinic is 31 January. I was so ecstatic receiving that call…second step on my journey to show the world “Pete”!