“The gods envy us. They envy us because we’re mortal, because any moment may be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we’re doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.”

Homer (The Iliad)

There is an end…that we can be certain…at least in respect to the vessel in which we inhabit. I have my own thoughts…beliefs…not of God or whatever some may refer…but in all living things…an energy…force field perhaps that encompasses all life forms known and yet to be known.

My mum had a stroke in mid May. 5 weeks in hospital with the last 3 being in the rehab ward relearning basic functions and tasks such as putting the kettle on, how to cook a meal…walking. Building strength in a much weaken frame. Mum was lucky as all movement and speech returned. It was a stressful time the event occurring 6 weeks before I had my own surgery (bi lateral mastectomy for cancer).

Following mum’s return home, assistance was organised by our local health trust and the hospital system. One day cleaning and one day taking mum grocery shopping.

After my surgery and three days in hosp I returned to the island. Moved into a new flat about 7 km from mum’s place. Likely I shouldn’t have been driving or doing anywhere near what I did…I did and still do mum’s laundry and bring firewood up from down under house & other tasks as needed. A few set backs arose for me likely as I did too much…for my mum though it is without question that I will continue to do so.

Fast forward to early August. Mum collapsed & passed out for several hours. When she came to she pressed her emergency button around her neck to summon an ambo. Off to hosp once again. A week later barely able to walk unaided, Mum was back home. With a new medicine regime, she improved daily and felt like life was easing for us all.

Today mum had another stroke…a few differences in that mum knew something wasn’t right before she couldn’t move and was able to call emergency services.

The point…not sure really…I am the youngest of six essentially looking after mum whilst also rebuilding my own life. I have never asked for help and find it difficult to do so…a stubborn independent streak I attribute to my mum 😊

It’s hard saying to sibs that maybe it’s time to prepare themselves for the worst…having so many events occur in a short time frame does not bode well even though I hope my mum pulls though for more years yet.

I have faced my own mortality a few times in my short life…seen death in those I love…I am not afraid or fear death…and with those I love I’d rather they are free of pain…of a life undignified…being here in mind but not body or vice versa.

We weep not for those that have left us…we weep for ourselves…for the pain of their passing before we are ready to accept…and that is ok…it’s all about healing.

My own belief….

Life does not stop…being does not end …only within this vessel too tired to continue…or a mind too tormented…or taken by another’s hand…our very essence…our soul continues a journey…

Namaste…love & light my friends ❤️


My journey…here I go!

March 19th, 2014

The day “ponochio’s” dream began to come true…

I has my first shot…a 1/2 shot of testosterone. It was easy…next shot 10th April, also a 1/2 dose…after that I’m doing it myself…& on to a full dose…

My FB status update early this morning:

“I’m hungry…horny (yeah his “T” stuff woot)…and happy…

Think I’m at least an inch taller (optical illusion; standing tall 😝) & yeah Arnie look out I’m already starting to “buff”.

Life tis grand!”

Subtle changes already…perhaps a placebo effect…I.e wishful thinking…doesn’t matter. I’ve never been happier!

The icing on the cake…an event so unexpected…I have met a wonderful woman…a beautiful soul…a women who sees me as “Pete” & all that entails…a woman who wants to be part of my journey…a damn sexy woman to boot!

The Universe truly works in mysterious ways…

Me te aroha nui ❤


magnitude[ mag-ni-tood, -tyood ]
1. size; extent; dimensions: to determine the magnitude of an angle.
2. great importance or consequence: affairs of magnitude.
3. greatness of size or amount.

The magnitude of yesterday’s psyche appointment & outcome really hit home late last evening.

At the time I was immediately caught up in the euphoria; it’s really going to happen…I will become “Pete” physically or at least how I want to be…a male.

It brings with it a little sadness too…of time gone by…of loss…by that I mean a loss of community in a sense. I have never really felt like I “fit in” to any one specific community. It does feel a bit odd that whilst I’ve likely increased the “pool” of peeps whom may be attracted to me, I wouldn’t have a clue where to start. Amusing in a warp sense that I may end up with a straight woman having identified as a lesbian for the past decade or so.

The outcome…I go back to the doc next month, 19 March & commence hormone treatment; testosterone to be exact. Even now writing this, I am grinning ear to ear!

Being whom I have always felt I was but hidden for so long…it’s exhilarating and an anti-climax all at once.

I took some time on the beach last night. To clear my head and listen to my inner voices. It does provide such clarity…softens the emotional side & brings my head to fore.

The journey I am on is my own. Along with transitioning are other aspects of life that also require my full attention such as my business…without which I’ll be somewhat stuffed to achieve what I want in this year alone.

Traveling in “Lola” is also important; it’s a sense of freedom that I have & desire. It’s time to be selfish in a sense.

Taking a few days off soon. Traveling down country, spend time with a new friend…and chill. A brief change of scenery is exactly what I want & need…time to plan my next steps.



First week in “Lola” freedom camping around the island…cats kinda fostered (albeit currently MIA the little beggars!) as Kombi life not for them.

Getting into a routine of exercise, work and of course loads of fun 🙂

I really do feel free…which is only a ‘state of mind’…but one that has eluded me over the past few years.

Today I have my first (& hopefully) only psyche session as part of the transitioning process. Took an early ferry over with my brother who is returning to his home in Perth. We are are weird family…no touchy feely stuff hey just “have a good trip home & see ya next year”…

Working over in the city before busing out to hospital…a little nervous…

Later this week I’m off to Christchurch for a change in scenery…just a few days away…flying down this time…first big trip in Lola will likely be April…can’t wait for that!

This life is short…go live it!