About omdanne

Transman...on my journey...

Mortality

“The gods envy us. They envy us because we’re mortal, because any moment may be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we’re doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.”

Homer (The Iliad)

There is an end…that we can be certain…at least in respect to the vessel in which we inhabit. I have my own thoughts…beliefs…not of God or whatever some may refer…but in all living things…an energy…force field perhaps that encompasses all life forms known and yet to be known.

My mum had a stroke in mid May. 5 weeks in hospital with the last 3 being in the rehab ward relearning basic functions and tasks such as putting the kettle on, how to cook a meal…walking. Building strength in a much weaken frame. Mum was lucky as all movement and speech returned. It was a stressful time the event occurring 6 weeks before I had my own surgery (bi lateral mastectomy for cancer).

Following mum’s return home, assistance was organised by our local health trust and the hospital system. One day cleaning and one day taking mum grocery shopping.

After my surgery and three days in hosp I returned to the island. Moved into a new flat about 7 km from mum’s place. Likely I shouldn’t have been driving or doing anywhere near what I did…I did and still do mum’s laundry and bring firewood up from down under house & other tasks as needed. A few set backs arose for me likely as I did too much…for my mum though it is without question that I will continue to do so.

Fast forward to early August. Mum collapsed & passed out for several hours. When she came to she pressed her emergency button around her neck to summon an ambo. Off to hosp once again. A week later barely able to walk unaided, Mum was back home. With a new medicine regime, she improved daily and felt like life was easing for us all.

Today mum had another stroke…a few differences in that mum knew something wasn’t right before she couldn’t move and was able to call emergency services.

The point…not sure really…I am the youngest of six essentially looking after mum whilst also rebuilding my own life. I have never asked for help and find it difficult to do so…a stubborn independent streak I attribute to my mum 😊

It’s hard saying to sibs that maybe it’s time to prepare themselves for the worst…having so many events occur in a short time frame does not bode well even though I hope my mum pulls though for more years yet.

I have faced my own mortality a few times in my short life…seen death in those I love…I am not afraid or fear death…and with those I love I’d rather they are free of pain…of a life undignified…being here in mind but not body or vice versa.

We weep not for those that have left us…we weep for ourselves…for the pain of their passing before we are ready to accept…and that is ok…it’s all about healing.

My own belief….

Life does not stop…being does not end …only within this vessel too tired to continue…or a mind too tormented…or taken by another’s hand…our very essence…our soul continues a journey…

Namaste…love & light my friends ❤️

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BitterSweet

A letter to my breasts…

Dear breasts,

It is with both joy & sadness that I bid you farewell. For 47 years, 6 months, 6 days, you have been quite attached.

I admit I have been somewhat ambivalent; you are neither too big nor small; still have the elasticity perking up for your age; no abnormal discharges from the nips…and the nips yes glorious pleasure they have provided…shsshh you know to what I refer.

Alas though we are parting company. You don’t belong to this body; never did. The universe has joined forces bringing that fact to the forefront with Cancer being its tool.

Hopefully contained within your flesh, you will rid me of the Cancer…I bid you a fond farewell…

…it is a Bitter Sweet moment.

Yours with love
Pete

18 June 2014

Life is a learning…

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…damn straight I’m going to Narnia! Where is that bleedin wardrobe?!

…yes the reality of reading the surgeon’s letter to my doctor, plus the radiologist and pathology report…I’m a sponge for knowledge…the details were not lost on me…

…I had a wobble (as in tears flowing briefly…likely too briefly in hindsight)…reading the second to last sentence in the surgeon’s letter.

Sure it’s stage 0 which is fantastic…the DCIT grade is intermediate…it’s local…but extensive…they don’t actually know how extensive…

I’m scared…awoke after 2 hrs sleep the anxiety in my throat…surprisingly I did fall back to sleep after 1/2 hr.

Awoke again 3 hrs later thinking “what a weird dream!”…the detail of which has “went”…again back to sleep of sorts…restless…

Today I have struggled…just want to know when I am seeing the surgeon and the surgery date. Sure it’s the Universe working for me on the one hand…the moobs will come off & on public…the cancer scares me…fuck I still have very clear memories of Mum & Dad coming home from the hospital where my brother was (he was 14, in 1974 ), I was with older siblings watching MASH. My memory is I asked about my brother…Dad says in a “flat” tone “His leg is going to be amputated”, I ask what that means (I’m 7 yrs old). Dads says “cut off” and I run from the room to mine. How vivid the memories remain…so yeah I’m scared…

Where’s Narnia…

Changing Tides

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The past weeks have been a whirlwind! The exhilaration of administering the t shot (and it being a full load) under the nurse’s watchful eye…

A few appointments…ensuring all inside downstairs was a ok…a mammogram…a recall…a biopsy on right breast…results now known.

Life throws up many challenges. Attitude is so important. I have for some time been in a “space” that is comfortable. For the first time in decades I know what I want in this life…and I’m getting it.

I have the most beautiful woman in my life…a woman whom only sees “Pete”…who is with me for the long haul.

Sooner than expected I will also be rid of the moobs…the fact that with gender dysphoria…well having to have them removed for other reasons is a blessing really and especially since it is early stages…if you are diagnosed this is the best stage to get!

A couple of other benefits will also arise…kinda hard not to smile even with the knowledge I have breast cancer.

In many ways it is like the Universe is conspiring to give me the life I’ve wanted and desired in the form I want ❤️

Only my mum could say this:

“When you have your mastectomy have a tummy tuck too.”

Pml bless her! Xx

Namaste my friends

Light & much ❤️

…Heaven Sent….

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…Heaven Sent…

Before that day I saw you
I never looked with true love’s eyes, 
But angels are revealing
And shine through all disguise.

Before that day I heard you
I never thought true love would call, 
But angels are enthralling
And so you made me fall.

Before that day I touched you
I never knew how true love felt, 
But angels are embracing
And so my heart did melt.

Before that day I kissed you
I never tasted true love’s pull, 
But angels are all giving
And let you drink your full.

Before that day I met you
I never knew what true love meant, 
But angels are for loving
And you are heaven sent.

~ (2009) Charles Wiles

My journey…here I go!

March 19th, 2014

The day “ponochio’s” dream began to come true…

I has my first shot…a 1/2 shot of testosterone. It was easy…next shot 10th April, also a 1/2 dose…after that I’m doing it myself…& on to a full dose…

My FB status update early this morning:

“I’m hungry…horny (yeah his “T” stuff woot)…and happy…

Think I’m at least an inch taller (optical illusion; standing tall 😝) & yeah Arnie look out I’m already starting to “buff”.

Life tis grand!”

Subtle changes already…perhaps a placebo effect…I.e wishful thinking…doesn’t matter. I’ve never been happier!

The icing on the cake…an event so unexpected…I have met a wonderful woman…a beautiful soul…a women who sees me as “Pete” & all that entails…a woman who wants to be part of my journey…a damn sexy woman to boot!

The Universe truly works in mysterious ways…

Me te aroha nui ❤

Taking a Journey

Taking a journey
To places known & unknown
Excitement…yes
Fears…yes
Leaving some behind
Silent goodbyes
A few tears shed…yes
Bois do cry

Taking a journey
Physical, mental and soul felt
Assured within the overall path is right
Even though there will be hurt along the way
Tears shed will lighten that load…whilst they can be shed…
Some bois don’t cry

Taking a journey
Not knowing when it will end
Is there an ending…
Preceding death…
I think not…and even then…
The body is but a vessel
The journey continues…

(c) Pete Ibbertson
19 January 2014