BitterSweet

A letter to my breasts…

Dear breasts,

It is with both joy & sadness that I bid you farewell. For 47 years, 6 months, 6 days, you have been quite attached.

I admit I have been somewhat ambivalent; you are neither too big nor small; still have the elasticity perking up for your age; no abnormal discharges from the nips…and the nips yes glorious pleasure they have provided…shsshh you know to what I refer.

Alas though we are parting company. You don’t belong to this body; never did. The universe has joined forces bringing that fact to the forefront with Cancer being its tool.

Hopefully contained within your flesh, you will rid me of the Cancer…I bid you a fond farewell…

…it is a Bitter Sweet moment.

Yours with love
Pete

18 June 2014

Changing Tides

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The past weeks have been a whirlwind! The exhilaration of administering the t shot (and it being a full load) under the nurse’s watchful eye…

A few appointments…ensuring all inside downstairs was a ok…a mammogram…a recall…a biopsy on right breast…results now known.

Life throws up many challenges. Attitude is so important. I have for some time been in a “space” that is comfortable. For the first time in decades I know what I want in this life…and I’m getting it.

I have the most beautiful woman in my life…a woman whom only sees “Pete”…who is with me for the long haul.

Sooner than expected I will also be rid of the moobs…the fact that with gender dysphoria…well having to have them removed for other reasons is a blessing really and especially since it is early stages…if you are diagnosed this is the best stage to get!

A couple of other benefits will also arise…kinda hard not to smile even with the knowledge I have breast cancer.

In many ways it is like the Universe is conspiring to give me the life I’ve wanted and desired in the form I want ❤️

Only my mum could say this:

“When you have your mastectomy have a tummy tuck too.”

Pml bless her! Xx

Namaste my friends

Light & much ❤️

Magnitude

magnitude[ mag-ni-tood, -tyood ]
noun
1. size; extent; dimensions: to determine the magnitude of an angle.
2. great importance or consequence: affairs of magnitude.
3. greatness of size or amount.

The magnitude of yesterday’s psyche appointment & outcome really hit home late last evening.

At the time I was immediately caught up in the euphoria; it’s really going to happen…I will become “Pete” physically or at least how I want to be…a male.

It brings with it a little sadness too…of time gone by…of loss…by that I mean a loss of community in a sense. I have never really felt like I “fit in” to any one specific community. It does feel a bit odd that whilst I’ve likely increased the “pool” of peeps whom may be attracted to me, I wouldn’t have a clue where to start. Amusing in a warp sense that I may end up with a straight woman having identified as a lesbian for the past decade or so.

The outcome…I go back to the doc next month, 19 March & commence hormone treatment; testosterone to be exact. Even now writing this, I am grinning ear to ear!

Being whom I have always felt I was but hidden for so long…it’s exhilarating and an anti-climax all at once.

I took some time on the beach last night. To clear my head and listen to my inner voices. It does provide such clarity…softens the emotional side & brings my head to fore.

The journey I am on is my own. Along with transitioning are other aspects of life that also require my full attention such as my business…without which I’ll be somewhat stuffed to achieve what I want in this year alone.

Traveling in “Lola” is also important; it’s a sense of freedom that I have & desire. It’s time to be selfish in a sense.

Taking a few days off soon. Traveling down country, spend time with a new friend…and chill. A brief change of scenery is exactly what I want & need…time to plan my next steps.

Change

In the context of:

“to give a different position, course, or direction”.

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It’s been a few weeks encompassing many changes…had my first appointment with the trans clinic…really positive experience. Psyche appointment a week tomorrow , then all going well start transitioning shortly thereafter.

Spent the last week packing, storing and finally cleaning…moved into Kombi…

The past couple of years has been an interesting journey…going from a modest income to barely making ends meet…the way in which you view money changes; you adapt as the alternative…well I’ve been there too.

Today I posted a fair few poems I’ve written in 2012 & a few more to come that I wrote last year…many were a personal exercise working through past events & emotions. I’ve grown considerably in the past 2.5 years…emotionally mature…I handle events / issues differently now to how I would / did back in the day. My heart though remains open…ready to love fearlessly again…I’d like to believe that I’ve learnt some important lessons along the way… that I won’t make the mistakes of the past or perhaps it would be better to describe it as “fools rush in”…pft who am I kidding!

It is definitely harder I think as you get older to meet people…and to meet I mean physically…that’s one lesson I have learnt…don’t throw myself in before that point…I’m no different in person as to how I believe I project myself online via here or FB or other social platforms.

I don’t know what other changes may be coming…I do however trust that the Universe is working for me…not against me.

Forward ever forward…

Tomboy

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Beautiful French movie exploring pre teen dynamics of “gender”.

I could so relate to Mikael / Laure. Similar age as well until “discovered”. Then “Pete” was buried for decades.

It is a sense of enlightenment that I have now…so much of the past events…the depression…that feeling of something missing…I was missing…now I am back ::smiles::

Two more days before my appointment with the Gender clinic. Yes, I am excited. I have no idea what the process will be…well I know in the big picture sense…just not the micro details!

Waking up smiling…a sense of deep joy within regardless of other stresses…I cannot recall feeling like this ever!

My life is just starting…

What’s in a name?

I wrote this in 12th August 2013…

“Hey gidday, call me Pete
“As in “Peta”” they ask?
Or just look…like I am mad
Few accepted…like you’re a girl
Outside sure…not in my mind
Even then I was quick to say
“It’s just a name; not like I’m trans…”
Too scared to accept that myself
…but the knowing feeling builds
It “fits”…I have always been…a Boi
Not in that stereotypical “butch” way
…earliest memory is around 4…
I named myself “Peter”…in my imaginary games
…and of course I was always the “boi” in those
“games” we played…it felt “normal”…
But conventions…catholic guilt…and
just being simply scared…kept “Pete”
Hidden away…
36 I was when I came out as “lesbian”
After all, I love women…times had changed
Being gay seemingly more acceptable…but
Something missing…in my psyche…
Takes being torn down…rebuilding oneself
Past two years…much self discovery…personnel growth
…acceptance…and finally remembering…Pete
I’m still scared…but ready.

What’s in a name?
My life, my being…honesty with self
Stealing that cliche…a rebirth at 46…
“Be true to thine self”
The time has come to live those words.”