magnitude[ mag-ni-tood, -tyood ]
1. size; extent; dimensions: to determine the magnitude of an angle.
2. great importance or consequence: affairs of magnitude.
3. greatness of size or amount.
The magnitude of yesterday’s psyche appointment & outcome really hit home late last evening.
At the time I was immediately caught up in the euphoria; it’s really going to happen…I will become “Pete” physically or at least how I want to be…a male.
It brings with it a little sadness too…of time gone by…of loss…by that I mean a loss of community in a sense. I have never really felt like I “fit in” to any one specific community. It does feel a bit odd that whilst I’ve likely increased the “pool” of peeps whom may be attracted to me, I wouldn’t have a clue where to start. Amusing in a warp sense that I may end up with a straight woman having identified as a lesbian for the past decade or so.
The outcome…I go back to the doc next month, 19 March & commence hormone treatment; testosterone to be exact. Even now writing this, I am grinning ear to ear!
Being whom I have always felt I was but hidden for so long…it’s exhilarating and an anti-climax all at once.
I took some time on the beach last night. To clear my head and listen to my inner voices. It does provide such clarity…softens the emotional side & brings my head to fore.
The journey I am on is my own. Along with transitioning are other aspects of life that also require my full attention such as my business…without which I’ll be somewhat stuffed to achieve what I want in this year alone.
Traveling in “Lola” is also important; it’s a sense of freedom that I have & desire. It’s time to be selfish in a sense.
Taking a few days off soon. Traveling down country, spend time with a new friend…and chill. A brief change of scenery is exactly what I want & need…time to plan my next steps.
First week in “Lola” freedom camping around the island…cats kinda fostered (albeit currently MIA the little beggars!) as Kombi life not for them.
Getting into a routine of exercise, work and of course loads of fun 🙂
I really do feel free…which is only a ‘state of mind’…but one that has eluded me over the past few years.
Today I have my first (& hopefully) only psyche session as part of the transitioning process. Took an early ferry over with my brother who is returning to his home in Perth. We are are weird family…no touchy feely stuff hey just “have a good trip home & see ya next year”…
Working over in the city before busing out to hospital…a little nervous…
Later this week I’m off to Christchurch for a change in scenery…just a few days away…flying down this time…first big trip in Lola will likely be April…can’t wait for that!
This life is short…go live it!
I sit alone with my thoughts
A myriad of emotion
Wanting to hide
To disappear within myself
Naked in skin, naked within
My heart, my soul exposed
The mind bearly making sense
Or controlling the flow
I sit alone, still to other’s eyes
Whilst the turmoil inside
Rages like a storm
Pete Ibbertson, 17 November 2012
A myriard of emotion
So much noise
It is time
The beginning, anew
Pete Ibbertson 23 July 2012
In the context of:
“to give a different position, course, or direction”.
It’s been a few weeks encompassing many changes…had my first appointment with the trans clinic…really positive experience. Psyche appointment a week tomorrow , then all going well start transitioning shortly thereafter.
Spent the last week packing, storing and finally cleaning…moved into Kombi…
The past couple of years has been an interesting journey…going from a modest income to barely making ends meet…the way in which you view money changes; you adapt as the alternative…well I’ve been there too.
Today I posted a fair few poems I’ve written in 2012 & a few more to come that I wrote last year…many were a personal exercise working through past events & emotions. I’ve grown considerably in the past 2.5 years…emotionally mature…I handle events / issues differently now to how I would / did back in the day. My heart though remains open…ready to love fearlessly again…I’d like to believe that I’ve learnt some important lessons along the way… that I won’t make the mistakes of the past or perhaps it would be better to describe it as “fools rush in”…pft who am I kidding!
It is definitely harder I think as you get older to meet people…and to meet I mean physically…that’s one lesson I have learnt…don’t throw myself in before that point…I’m no different in person as to how I believe I project myself online via here or FB or other social platforms.
I don’t know what other changes may be coming…I do however trust that the Universe is working for me…not against me.
Forward ever forward…
The beginning was bright,
fun, a connection
of souls reacquainting
Love grew in friendship
strong, thinking unbreakable
Deeply personal moments
shared…pain and love
Too close one got
Jealousy and possessiveness
Poisoned the friendship
with thoughtless comments
Forgiven many times
A New Year…a new page
A final act of stupidity
A step too far
…and I watch my friend walking away
Pete Ibbertson 9 January 2013
“You did it again, didn’t You?
When will you ever learn…
You open yourself up to crash
You just launch without looking
Not taking the time
To consider what really is
“Love fearlessly” you say
Pete Ibbertson 7 December 2012
Your pain is palatable
Felt from afar so strong
Heaviness of chest
A silent witness
Wanting to reach out
Swallowing my words
It’s all left unsaid
A shadow stalker
Soul mates we are
That is a truth
No one and nothing
Will change that
It will always be
A silent witness
From miles apart
Volume is loud
Pete Ibbertson 27 November 2012