Mortality

“The gods envy us. They envy us because we’re mortal, because any moment may be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we’re doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.”

Homer (The Iliad)

There is an end…that we can be certain…at least in respect to the vessel in which we inhabit. I have my own thoughts…beliefs…not of God or whatever some may refer…but in all living things…an energy…force field perhaps that encompasses all life forms known and yet to be known.

My mum had a stroke in mid May. 5 weeks in hospital with the last 3 being in the rehab ward relearning basic functions and tasks such as putting the kettle on, how to cook a meal…walking. Building strength in a much weaken frame. Mum was lucky as all movement and speech returned. It was a stressful time the event occurring 6 weeks before I had my own surgery (bi lateral mastectomy for cancer).

Following mum’s return home, assistance was organised by our local health trust and the hospital system. One day cleaning and one day taking mum grocery shopping.

After my surgery and three days in hosp I returned to the island. Moved into a new flat about 7 km from mum’s place. Likely I shouldn’t have been driving or doing anywhere near what I did…I did and still do mum’s laundry and bring firewood up from down under house & other tasks as needed. A few set backs arose for me likely as I did too much…for my mum though it is without question that I will continue to do so.

Fast forward to early August. Mum collapsed & passed out for several hours. When she came to she pressed her emergency button around her neck to summon an ambo. Off to hosp once again. A week later barely able to walk unaided, Mum was back home. With a new medicine regime, she improved daily and felt like life was easing for us all.

Today mum had another stroke…a few differences in that mum knew something wasn’t right before she couldn’t move and was able to call emergency services.

The point…not sure really…I am the youngest of six essentially looking after mum whilst also rebuilding my own life. I have never asked for help and find it difficult to do so…a stubborn independent streak I attribute to my mum 😊

It’s hard saying to sibs that maybe it’s time to prepare themselves for the worst…having so many events occur in a short time frame does not bode well even though I hope my mum pulls though for more years yet.

I have faced my own mortality a few times in my short life…seen death in those I love…I am not afraid or fear death…and with those I love I’d rather they are free of pain…of a life undignified…being here in mind but not body or vice versa.

We weep not for those that have left us…we weep for ourselves…for the pain of their passing before we are ready to accept…and that is ok…it’s all about healing.

My own belief….

Life does not stop…being does not end …only within this vessel too tired to continue…or a mind too tormented…or taken by another’s hand…our very essence…our soul continues a journey…

Namaste…love & light my friends ❤️

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Life is a learning…

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…damn straight I’m going to Narnia! Where is that bleedin wardrobe?!

…yes the reality of reading the surgeon’s letter to my doctor, plus the radiologist and pathology report…I’m a sponge for knowledge…the details were not lost on me…

…I had a wobble (as in tears flowing briefly…likely too briefly in hindsight)…reading the second to last sentence in the surgeon’s letter.

Sure it’s stage 0 which is fantastic…the DCIT grade is intermediate…it’s local…but extensive…they don’t actually know how extensive…

I’m scared…awoke after 2 hrs sleep the anxiety in my throat…surprisingly I did fall back to sleep after 1/2 hr.

Awoke again 3 hrs later thinking “what a weird dream!”…the detail of which has “went”…again back to sleep of sorts…restless…

Today I have struggled…just want to know when I am seeing the surgeon and the surgery date. Sure it’s the Universe working for me on the one hand…the moobs will come off & on public…the cancer scares me…fuck I still have very clear memories of Mum & Dad coming home from the hospital where my brother was (he was 14, in 1974 ), I was with older siblings watching MASH. My memory is I asked about my brother…Dad says in a “flat” tone “His leg is going to be amputated”, I ask what that means (I’m 7 yrs old). Dads says “cut off” and I run from the room to mine. How vivid the memories remain…so yeah I’m scared…

Where’s Narnia…

Changing Tides

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The past weeks have been a whirlwind! The exhilaration of administering the t shot (and it being a full load) under the nurse’s watchful eye…

A few appointments…ensuring all inside downstairs was a ok…a mammogram…a recall…a biopsy on right breast…results now known.

Life throws up many challenges. Attitude is so important. I have for some time been in a “space” that is comfortable. For the first time in decades I know what I want in this life…and I’m getting it.

I have the most beautiful woman in my life…a woman whom only sees “Pete”…who is with me for the long haul.

Sooner than expected I will also be rid of the moobs…the fact that with gender dysphoria…well having to have them removed for other reasons is a blessing really and especially since it is early stages…if you are diagnosed this is the best stage to get!

A couple of other benefits will also arise…kinda hard not to smile even with the knowledge I have breast cancer.

In many ways it is like the Universe is conspiring to give me the life I’ve wanted and desired in the form I want ❤️

Only my mum could say this:

“When you have your mastectomy have a tummy tuck too.”

Pml bless her! Xx

Namaste my friends

Light & much ❤️

The heart that lived on the sleeve

One definition of wearing your heart on your sleeve is “to display your feelings openly and habitually, rather than keep them private.” Being open and honest is hard. There is fear of rejection, fear of embarrassment, fear of being judged etc.

I have always worn my heart on my sleeve…become more expressive as I moved through the decades. I do not hesitate…I freely express my feelings exposing my heart to the raw cuts of rejection…of unrequited love. Foolish…perhaps as sometimes I do pay a toll…

Experience has taught me…this too shall pass…I remember to breathe…to take in the simple pleasures of life around me…love is every where and heals the heart to remain open…allowing another to enter usually unexpectedly…the best kind…to love fearlessly once again…so my friends do not be afraid to put voice to your emotion…what is life without risk…take a chance…many chances…

“You don’t love someone for their looks, their clothes or anything else.
You love them because they can sing a song only your heart can understand.”

Pete Ibbertson
December 2012

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Magnitude

magnitude[ mag-ni-tood, -tyood ]
noun
1. size; extent; dimensions: to determine the magnitude of an angle.
2. great importance or consequence: affairs of magnitude.
3. greatness of size or amount.

The magnitude of yesterday’s psyche appointment & outcome really hit home late last evening.

At the time I was immediately caught up in the euphoria; it’s really going to happen…I will become “Pete” physically or at least how I want to be…a male.

It brings with it a little sadness too…of time gone by…of loss…by that I mean a loss of community in a sense. I have never really felt like I “fit in” to any one specific community. It does feel a bit odd that whilst I’ve likely increased the “pool” of peeps whom may be attracted to me, I wouldn’t have a clue where to start. Amusing in a warp sense that I may end up with a straight woman having identified as a lesbian for the past decade or so.

The outcome…I go back to the doc next month, 19 March & commence hormone treatment; testosterone to be exact. Even now writing this, I am grinning ear to ear!

Being whom I have always felt I was but hidden for so long…it’s exhilarating and an anti-climax all at once.

I took some time on the beach last night. To clear my head and listen to my inner voices. It does provide such clarity…softens the emotional side & brings my head to fore.

The journey I am on is my own. Along with transitioning are other aspects of life that also require my full attention such as my business…without which I’ll be somewhat stuffed to achieve what I want in this year alone.

Traveling in “Lola” is also important; it’s a sense of freedom that I have & desire. It’s time to be selfish in a sense.

Taking a few days off soon. Traveling down country, spend time with a new friend…and chill. A brief change of scenery is exactly what I want & need…time to plan my next steps.