Changing Tides


The past weeks have been a whirlwind! The exhilaration of administering the t shot (and it being a full load) under the nurse’s watchful eye…

A few appointments…ensuring all inside downstairs was a ok…a mammogram…a recall…a biopsy on right breast…results now known.

Life throws up many challenges. Attitude is so important. I have for some time been in a “space” that is comfortable. For the first time in decades I know what I want in this life…and I’m getting it.

I have the most beautiful woman in my life…a woman whom only sees “Pete”…who is with me for the long haul.

Sooner than expected I will also be rid of the moobs…the fact that with gender dysphoria…well having to have them removed for other reasons is a blessing really and especially since it is early stages…if you are diagnosed this is the best stage to get!

A couple of other benefits will also arise…kinda hard not to smile even with the knowledge I have breast cancer.

In many ways it is like the Universe is conspiring to give me the life I’ve wanted and desired in the form I want ❤️

Only my mum could say this:

“When you have your mastectomy have a tummy tuck too.”

Pml bless her! Xx

Namaste my friends

Light & much ❤️

My journey…here I go!

March 19th, 2014

The day “ponochio’s” dream began to come true…

I has my first shot…a 1/2 shot of testosterone. It was easy…next shot 10th April, also a 1/2 dose…after that I’m doing it myself…& on to a full dose…

My FB status update early this morning:

“I’m hungry…horny (yeah his “T” stuff woot)…and happy…

Think I’m at least an inch taller (optical illusion; standing tall 😝) & yeah Arnie look out I’m already starting to “buff”.

Life tis grand!”

Subtle changes already…perhaps a placebo effect…I.e wishful thinking…doesn’t matter. I’ve never been happier!

The icing on the cake…an event so unexpected…I have met a wonderful woman…a beautiful soul…a women who sees me as “Pete” & all that entails…a woman who wants to be part of my journey…a damn sexy woman to boot!

The Universe truly works in mysterious ways…

Me te aroha nui ❤


magnitude[ mag-ni-tood, -tyood ]
1. size; extent; dimensions: to determine the magnitude of an angle.
2. great importance or consequence: affairs of magnitude.
3. greatness of size or amount.

The magnitude of yesterday’s psyche appointment & outcome really hit home late last evening.

At the time I was immediately caught up in the euphoria; it’s really going to happen…I will become “Pete” physically or at least how I want to be…a male.

It brings with it a little sadness too…of time gone by…of loss…by that I mean a loss of community in a sense. I have never really felt like I “fit in” to any one specific community. It does feel a bit odd that whilst I’ve likely increased the “pool” of peeps whom may be attracted to me, I wouldn’t have a clue where to start. Amusing in a warp sense that I may end up with a straight woman having identified as a lesbian for the past decade or so.

The outcome…I go back to the doc next month, 19 March & commence hormone treatment; testosterone to be exact. Even now writing this, I am grinning ear to ear!

Being whom I have always felt I was but hidden for so long…it’s exhilarating and an anti-climax all at once.

I took some time on the beach last night. To clear my head and listen to my inner voices. It does provide such clarity…softens the emotional side & brings my head to fore.

The journey I am on is my own. Along with transitioning are other aspects of life that also require my full attention such as my business…without which I’ll be somewhat stuffed to achieve what I want in this year alone.

Traveling in “Lola” is also important; it’s a sense of freedom that I have & desire. It’s time to be selfish in a sense.

Taking a few days off soon. Traveling down country, spend time with a new friend…and chill. A brief change of scenery is exactly what I want & need…time to plan my next steps.



First week in “Lola” freedom camping around the island…cats kinda fostered (albeit currently MIA the little beggars!) as Kombi life not for them.

Getting into a routine of exercise, work and of course loads of fun 🙂

I really do feel free…which is only a ‘state of mind’…but one that has eluded me over the past few years.

Today I have my first (& hopefully) only psyche session as part of the transitioning process. Took an early ferry over with my brother who is returning to his home in Perth. We are are weird family…no touchy feely stuff hey just “have a good trip home & see ya next year”…

Working over in the city before busing out to hospital…a little nervous…

Later this week I’m off to Christchurch for a change in scenery…just a few days away…flying down this time…first big trip in Lola will likely be April…can’t wait for that!

This life is short…go live it!



In the context of:

“to give a different position, course, or direction”.


It’s been a few weeks encompassing many changes…had my first appointment with the trans clinic…really positive experience. Psyche appointment a week tomorrow , then all going well start transitioning shortly thereafter.

Spent the last week packing, storing and finally cleaning…moved into Kombi…

The past couple of years has been an interesting journey…going from a modest income to barely making ends meet…the way in which you view money changes; you adapt as the alternative…well I’ve been there too.

Today I posted a fair few poems I’ve written in 2012 & a few more to come that I wrote last year…many were a personal exercise working through past events & emotions. I’ve grown considerably in the past 2.5 years…emotionally mature…I handle events / issues differently now to how I would / did back in the day. My heart though remains open…ready to love fearlessly again…I’d like to believe that I’ve learnt some important lessons along the way… that I won’t make the mistakes of the past or perhaps it would be better to describe it as “fools rush in”…pft who am I kidding!

It is definitely harder I think as you get older to meet people…and to meet I mean physically…that’s one lesson I have learnt…don’t throw myself in before that point…I’m no different in person as to how I believe I project myself online via here or FB or other social platforms.

I don’t know what other changes may be coming…I do however trust that the Universe is working for me…not against me.

Forward ever forward…



Beautiful French movie exploring pre teen dynamics of “gender”.

I could so relate to Mikael / Laure. Similar age as well until “discovered”. Then “Pete” was buried for decades.

It is a sense of enlightenment that I have now…so much of the past events…the depression…that feeling of something missing…I was missing…now I am back ::smiles::

Two more days before my appointment with the Gender clinic. Yes, I am excited. I have no idea what the process will be…well I know in the big picture sense…just not the micro details!

Waking up smiling…a sense of deep joy within regardless of other stresses…I cannot recall feeling like this ever!

My life is just starting…

What’s in a name?

I wrote this in 12th August 2013…

“Hey gidday, call me Pete
“As in “Peta”” they ask?
Or just look…like I am mad
Few accepted…like you’re a girl
Outside sure…not in my mind
Even then I was quick to say
“It’s just a name; not like I’m trans…”
Too scared to accept that myself
…but the knowing feeling builds
It “fits”…I have always been…a Boi
Not in that stereotypical “butch” way
…earliest memory is around 4…
I named myself “Peter”…in my imaginary games
…and of course I was always the “boi” in those
“games” we played…it felt “normal”…
But conventions…catholic guilt…and
just being simply scared…kept “Pete”
Hidden away…
36 I was when I came out as “lesbian”
After all, I love women…times had changed
Being gay seemingly more acceptable…but
Something missing…in my psyche…
Takes being torn down…rebuilding oneself
Past two years…much self discovery…personnel growth
…acceptance…and finally remembering…Pete
I’m still scared…but ready.

What’s in a name?
My life, my being…honesty with self
Stealing that cliche…a rebirth at 46…
“Be true to thine self”
The time has come to live those words.”

Courage…no just finally being me.

Does it take “courage” to be your true self?

It depends…for some appear to be naturally in full flight of being themselves…perhaps in what society refers to as “normal”.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

~ Nelson Mandela

Back in 2003, my “coming out” as lesbian was…well one day my colleagues and some friends thought I was “normal”, the next I wasn’t…and I didn’t care what people thought. I was still “me”. In my mind the only change was my partner was female…it was “natural, normal” to me…I had overcome the fear…likely more so the fact that NZ is often at the forefront of significant changes…and standing up, being heard.

Then I was with EY…I remember the day after I brought my girlfriend along to a work quiz night at a local pub…one of the partners said to me how brave I was…I guess it was in the sense that I didn’t give a shit what the “ole boys network” thought. Heck never had…

Remembering “Pete”, a name I hadn’t really thought about in decades really came to the forefront of my mind…it was like an “illumination” in my heart…sounded so right when I spoke it aloud to a friend…a random conversation and it was a lightning bolt…the clarity of suddenly knowing who I am…not Marianne…I am and have since I was around 4 (my earliest memory) been Pete. And no, not “Peter”.

Memories of pre pubescent years “playing” with a friend; the innocence of being a child…it all seem quite natural…I naturally felt I was a boy…my whole mindset was always on being a boy.

Later, I recalled being caught and the significance of that event. I closed off “Pete”…to feel…to be…well that was all wrong, a sin…and I tried being a girl…

It wasn’t so bad…I have been always nonplussed about my breasts…they are “there” but aren’t so big to bother me…B cup though so slightly more than a handful…parents asked if I was a lesbian when I was about 14/15…I adamantly said no. Ha…was terrified that being a lesbian meant being incredibly unhappy or acted more butch than guys…well that had been my exposure as it were to lesbians plus the stereotypes.

First boyfriend at 15…he was 19…when he French kissed me I said yuk. Nah didn’t see him much after that…then 16 I got the hang of this kissing lark…virginity gone at 17 1/2…with that guy 7.5 yrs though (some brief periods split)…then was pretty much checking out both sides…was I Bi I thought…still women did it more for me…in all aspects…then alas met the psycho…with him for 8…see it’s not true about Saggis…we can commit…perhaps not wisely in wonderful hindsight. Then my first girlfriend…4 yrs…my last was 4 yrs too…and on my own the past 2.5 years…some fleeting dalliances…

I am Pete…a man…I’d like to believe that I am a good man (I will always strive to be a better person) and will be outwardly as I my appearance becomes more masculine.

As I made sense of my memories…and it didn’t become clearer for some months later, the magnitude of the “shift” at times overwhelming that I consciously played devils advocate and also occupied my mind as best I could…fear was hurdle…even now, 2013…with all the great strides made in the gay/lesbian arena…there remains a gap even between LGBT, let alone the “mainstream”.

My first girlfriend’s sister is MtF (statistically the higher number than FtM) past 30 yrs now. To me she was a woman from day one. End of. I had never before then meet someone who had changed to be who they always were inside.

I digress…over the past 2.5 years I have worked on myself both mentally, physically and spiritually…really worked through past events that had left a scar deep in my core. I have been blessed to meet (both online and in person) beautiful souls whom I love and respect…they taught me much…helped me see the lessons I needed to learn…I know now that I needed to experience this so that my true self would be able to surface…over this period I also have experience a few depressive periods brought on by past events not healed and then later emotional and financial hardships…remembering me, Pete ( yeah I love my name), I awake with a smile…a feeling deep within of happiness, even though there still remains the stresses (work, money) I know deep down that I will get through this and will be all that I can be.

“Courage” is overcoming fear…so yeah I have in my life and now…I am once again having the courage to push past fears and just be.

My first appointment with the trans clinic is 31 January. I was so ecstatic receiving that call…second step on my journey to show the world “Pete”!