In less than 3 weeks I begin a new journey…living in a kombi with Zara & Jaspa; learning a new topic with the Cert in Sustainability level 5 – food forest design & build and traveling the road.
I’ll still be active in my business as well; it’s an important period of rebuilding in so many facets of my life.
My first appointment with the transgender clinic in 2 weeks…many changes afoot with much to do between now and then…I’ll admit to having moments of feeling overwhelmed…breathe…1…2…3…
Feeling a little lonely too…more so of late…ah for the right reasons & that too will pass. Trick is not to dwell on the past…not to think to much of the future…just be. Take each day, hell each moment as it comes.
I find it has become increasingly important for me to take time just for me…whether it be a walk, a coffee break or just sitting quietly on my back step for a short while…to centre oneself.
I have a tendency to think too much…not a healthy trait overall…but recognising that within yourself is 80% of the battle…easier for me now to say “STOP”.
My passions are many…I’m at a stage of my life where in some respects I am making it more complicated and in others quite simplified (at least in my head it’s simplified!). For the moment, my passions lie in learning and doing with respect to Food Forests; how to design and build with ideally getting some practical experience along the way via woofing on properties that have commenced such a program on their land.
Living on the road no doubt will have its complications; not least getting two 10 year old kittehs settled into such a lifestyle! It is to me though the simplification of my life. Travelling around my country, meeting new people, experiencing many new adventures.
Learning my keyboard too is a passion; one I’ve neglected of late…not for much longer though…
Complications…well transitioning overlays all of this. Academically I know what is ahead…somewhat different though is experiencing the process and physical changes…the mental changes are already in full flow. I have no doubts about it…I know this is right…it’s me becoming me externally…and allowing myself to be me within…letting those layers of expectations fall away…the layers of guilt and fear based attitudes of what is black and white.
Gender is fluid. There is no black and white…shades of grey abound. Sexuality then flows from that determination…be it gay, straight, bi, asexual…it is amusing though to think as being a straight male…but heck that is what I am…now to “appear” like that is the end game. It does throw up all sorts of doubts though as to the community you belong…before I even came out as lesbian…I always felt more at ease within the gay community…now I’m not sure where I fit…shit there is so much prejudice within that community which I do struggle with given all that has been fought for mainstream…still people are people no matter their gender and/or sexual orientation (let alone race or religion!). Disappointing in many respects that whilst so much has been gained there are factions within that undermine all the good work done.
As to my purpose…the most important is to be happy. To be grateful each and every day for what is and what may be. Other than that I do not know. I do believe wholeheartedly though that will be enough.
Light and love.